witlessprotection

AC/AL/V 2008 97m ENGLISH

CAST: Larry The Cable Guy, Ivana Milicevic, Yaphett Kotto, Peter Stormare, Eric Roberts, Joe Mantegna & Jenny McCarthy

CREDITS: Director/Screenwriter: Charles Robert Carner; Producers: J.P. Williams/Alan Blomquist; Director of Photography: Michael Goi; Production Designer: Cabot McMullen; Editor: Marc Leif; Costume Designer: Susan Kaufmann; Music: Eric Allaman

THE SYNOPSIS

Mississippi. Buffoonish Deputy Larry Stalder (Larry TCG) has dreams of becoming a full-fledged FBI Agent, much to the amusement of his friends and family. Pretty girlfriend/diner waitress Connie (McCarthy) just wants her chunky man to marry her. No such luck until he reaches his goal.

Fate has a funny way of making things happen as he sits in the diner with his friends one day. A black Suburban pulls up as a huffy blonde woman appears, surrounded by G-Men, led by the imposing Agent Alonzo Mosely (Kotto). Larry thinks that she’s been kidnapped by the “bad guys” and steals her away from them to rescue her!

In reality, the woman, Madeleine (Milicevic) is being escorted to Chicago under the Witness Protection Plan to testify against her former employer and lover, Arthur Grimsley (Stormare)—who is trying to prevent her reaching the D.A. and appearing in court.

Turns out, Larry’s misguided ideas were on the money! Mosely is dirty and working for Grimsley. He and his men must now track Madeleine and eliminate Larry as well. For reinforcements, Grimsley sends in his militant security chief Wilford Duvall (Roberts) to finish Larry off.

No such luck as the inept Deputy and his protectee forge a plan to bring down Grimsley and company in the most ludicrous fashion possible.

THE CRITIQUE

Ugh.

2008 is still young, but WITLESS PROTECTION is easily the worst movie of the year...thus far (it was released in February). Whoever keeps giving Larry The Cable Guy scripts and money to make movies should be excommunicated from the business.

Seriously, I crack up on occasion when I catch some of Larry’s bits on cable’s Comedy Central--but I can only take a few minutes of his redneck, good ol’ boy routine before the high-pitched drawl, serious flannel attire and shaved mutton chops begin to take their toll on me.

Now imagine that repertoire for 90 minutes or so! Still, at least his characters are never malicious nor vindictive--just annoying after 3 minutes. Oh, and by the way: Larry The Cable Guy (born Daniel Lawrence Whitney) is originally from Nebraska. His whole redneck/hillbilly persona is an act--well, I was sure fooled!

The movie was written & directed by prolific TV man Charles Robert Carner with no flair and no fuss. With a ton of TV & cable credits under his belt, it’s not surprising that WITLESS PROTECTION feels like, looks like and acts like some silly-ass MFTV/MFC movie. For the record, he also wrote the screenplays for features like Gymkata (1985), Let’s Get Harry (1986) and the entertaining Blind Fury (1989).

Tech credits (cinematography, editing, production values, etc.) by a crew of TV artisans are acceptable though nothing major. I’d give names, but what’s the point?

What I don’t really understand is how a well-known cast of actors ended up in this mess? Yaphett Kotto, a terrific and imposing actor, is reduced to slow burns and catch-up fever playing Agent Alonzo Mosely (for you kiddies out there who don’t know, he played the same character in the brilliantly funny 1987 comedy Midnight Run--to better effect).

The once talented Eric Roberts swings by to pick-up an easy paycheck, as does wonderful actor Joe Mantegna--playing a very bizarre character here. The once-and-future Joe Zasa (The Godfather Part III) is really out of place here! And finally, what’s with talented Swedish actor Peter Stormare and his hideous British accent? The Fargo actor can play menacing, but exudes no menace whatsoever here. At least the lovely ladies of WITLESS PROTECTION fare a bit better, with Bosnian-American actress Ivana Milicevic playing well off of Larry’s silly antics and homegrown sexpot Jenny McCarthy having the most endearing role in the movie.

All told, this movie stunk! The best part about it was that it ended.

THE BOTTOM LINE

WITLESS PROTECTION is a witless movie. Plain and simple. How (or why) the solid cast of name actors signed up for this crap is beyond me. Somewhere in this puzzle, an actor is collecting a check and laughing all the way to the bank. I know this because I’m not the one doing the laughing. It’s the kind of movie that makes you want to punch the theater manager for showing it at the local multiplex. Ugh.